a girl like me

by  _Martina

          I've always wanted to be female

          and give my identity for sale.

          I've never felt like a boy -

          playing with dolls instead of army toys.

          I've searched for explanations the whole day,

          just dreaming and not listening to what my parents

          wanted to say.

          I've worn the clothes of my sister and my mother,

          but they've never seen the pain from which I suffered.

          Just being the first day at school,

          there were others who made the rules.

          As I entered the class: all eyes on my.

          Didn't believe what they've obviously seen:

          I've just worn what I always wore,

          but I already heard their laughter standing in front

          of the door.

          WIthout any make-up - my mother's idea.

          Just going into the class with kind of fear.

          In the evening I told my parents about my day,

          but they didn't care about the things I tried to say.

          At night, laying crying in my bed.

          Coming downstairs, hear my parents say: 'Not every

          day's that bad.'

          But it was that way every single time

          and at one point I began asking myself whether there

          was something wrong with my mind.

          After a few weeks I began to observe the others at

          school,

          but I never got out why they (and not I) ruled.

          This went that way for months and years.

          Don't know whether somebody in any way cared.

          They did nothing to support my life

          and in my thoughts, I started to dive.

          I slowly suppressed my identity towards the others.

          A coat of disinterest was what me covered.

          Guess, the people thought that I was through it.

   The lonely table in the corner was where I used to

          sit.

          Suddenly everything erupted again.

          On a party: my mum saw some kind of make-up on my

          skin.

          First reaction: she only yelled

          (don't think she'd considered what I felt).

          Second: telling her friends I was just making a joke

          (thought to themselves: 'he only wants to provoke').

          Third and kinda worst for me: they gave me into

          psychiatrist's care

          (didn't consider that it were my thoughts, that would

          be shared.)

          First session I was sitting and playing with toys.

          Before it my parents had told me not to make too much

          noise.

          The psychiatrist on the other hand told me to do what

          I want to,

          thus I did not at all know what to do.

          First, as mentioned, I only sat there around

          and played with the dolls I'd found.

          She talked with my parents about different solutions,

          but they did not really come to a conclusion.

          She then sent my parents outside the room

          and started to talk to me quite soon.

          She asked me: 'What do you think and feel?'

          Was a weird situation for me, didn't feel like real.

          I didn't talk that much at all.

          At that moment I did not want to break my fall.

          After an hour or something in that way,

          we finished the session. Guess, she didn't know what

          else to say.

          My parents took me home that day without talking at

          all.

          Don't know whether they maybe waited for my call.

          Arriving at home, I went fast to bed -

          Had to be prepared for tomorrow. The next appointment

          had been set.

          The appointment was the same way the other had been,

          but she told me that what I did was a sin.

          She said, it was God's choice who we are -

          I only thought to myself: He could tell being that

          far.

          Again the session brought nothing to light.

          And I did nothing to prove their views right.

          We did these sessions a few more weeks -

          the psychiatrist was so excited, she always had

          reddened cheeks.

          I didn't care that in her eyes, I was a fool,

          I had more problems ordering my life at school.

          The things got worse there every day I stepped in.

          And at last my self-esteem was wearing pretty thin.

          One day I was walking down the hall,

          I actually was on my way to the mall.

          A group of some boys kept on following me.

          Don't know whether they wanted to be seen.

          They stopped me dead in the middle of the street

          and hit me hard, so I had problems staying on my feet.

          They finally left me as I lay crumpled on the ground.

          Think, they thought I was unconscious as I didn't

          utter a sound.

          It was not the only time this took place.

          I believed, I had a chance to win once, but that never

          was the case.

          They called my queer, fairy, fag and a lot of other

          names.

          They verbally abused me everywhere I came.

          I tried to tell them that I was not like that.

          They shouted that they wouldn't believe what some

          fairy said.

          I did not tell my parents about it at that time -

          everthing they would have done was telling: 'it will

          be fine.'

          I tried to tell them after a year of getting beaten on

          a daily base.

          But honestly, I couldn't stand it - looking into my

          mother's face.

          One day, I finally decided to tell my parents

          everything

          and at that point I wished that I could have wings -

          to fly away from all the mess.

          I felt so useless and even less.

          My parents realised that I couldn't live on like that.

          They were worried that if I stayed I'd be rather dead.

          So it was settled that we would move,

          my fears had not vanished, but they surely had been

          soothed.

          Still, I was scared how they would react in the new

          city.

          Hoped, they'd be cooler there and wouldn't hit me.

          The day of our arrival I stayed inside,

          the only reason was that I wanted to hide.

          Couldn't keep this up for so much longer.

          Told myself, that this time I'd be stronger.

          I dreaded my first day in my new school.

          I nearly knew that it would be as cruel

          as it was on the other one.

          Had already prepared myself to have surely no fun.

          My parents accompanied me to my destination -

          they did everything to support my situation.

          Everybody was in class as I stepped through the

          doorway.

          Hoped that this wouldn't be the only luck which would

          happen to me this day.

          I had to talk to the headmaster a little.

          I can't remember exactly what he said as he spoke in

          riddles.

          Something like 'we know what you feel, it's alright',

          'You don't have to say anything, it won't come to

          light.'

          Can't remember what the goal of this talk was.

          It seemed weird to me and kinda gross.

          I didn't know what to expect of my life from now on.

          My dreams and wishes were already long gone.

          The headmaster accompanied me to my first room.

          He said: 'You'll meet the other kids pretty soon.'

          Couldn't he notice that I was scared like hell?!

          He probably couldn't, that's what I could tell.

          He opened the door and I looked into faces I didn't

          know.

          He didn't care and he told me so.

          I expected hatred and disgust on every face,

          instead I saw smiles - staying in place.

          He introduced me to the others who sat around.

          I couldn't believe what I had found.

          Everybody seemed to have no problem at all,

          although I heard them whispering about me while going

          out into the hall.

          One of them, a boy, stood suddenly by my side.

          'I heard what happened and you did the right.

          Nobody will harm you round here

          and soon your worries will disappear.'

          I wanted to believe what he did say,

          but I simply didn't trust him already that day.

          I said 'thanks' and left him in the hall.

          I was around the corner when I heard his call.

          I didn't turn around to him though,

          guess, he also didn't think I'd do so.

          From then on, the day went fairly alright.

          I don't think, I again crossed the boy's sight.

          As I drove homes with my mother I bounced up and down

          on my seat.

          Even when walking to the house the ground was barely

          touched by my feet.

          I couldn't even remember when I'd been the last time

          that content -

          still, I didn't know what the boy had meant.

          I still thoughts that I was truly female.

          And I feared that I would friend-like fail.

          Nevertheless I went to school happy again

          and luckily nobody expected me to be a man.

          Nobody seemd to mind the way I was.

          'It's okay.' everybody said whose ways I crossed.

          I was grateful that they let me be the way I wanted

          to.

          Guess, all of them knew what I'd been through.

          One day, as I began to think everything would always

          be fine,

          somebody else's thoughts defested mine.

          Some older guy started to hold a kind of speech during

          lunch

          and it was not long before I caught the first punch.

          I ended up even worse this time around.

          And I suddenly felt like I had lost everything I'd

          found.

          I lay alone in my hospital bed.

          Feeling less alive - more dead.

          Nobody visited me during these 28 days

          and when I came home I didn't want to see a face.

          It took me again another month before I had the

          courage to go back to school.

          My parents were pretty understanding during that time

          and kept it cool.

          On day eight at home my mum knocked at my door.

          Didn't know why - there was nothing I was waiting for.

          She told me: 'Somebody wants to visit you.'

          I kinda panicked and did not know what to do.

          A boy entered my room and stopped in front of me.

          The departure of my mother was the only thing I did

          see.

          He turned his head downwards and hid his face.

          This way he stood for five minutes without leaving his

          place.

          Call it embarassment - even now I don't know what he

          had.

          Maybe he did feel fine and didn't think something had

          to be said.

          I eventually stood up from where I sat,

          going from there to the window and back to the bed.

          I finally came to a stop two feet in front of him.

          Was it me or was his breath really getting thin?

          Suddenly, something changed in the air

          and I cannot say that I didn't care.

          He made one step forward as did I.

          In my belly suddenly thousands of butterflies seemed

          to fly.

          When our eyes locked both of us realised that this was

          it.

          And even now, I can't recall what me hit.

          Abruptly, I turned around on my heels,

          without caring what he may did feel.

          He then stammered a little 'see you'

          and just at that point it dawned on me what I did do.

          I didn't run after him though that day.

          My mother asked what had happened, but I didn't know

          what to say.

          I thought about him all the time I was in my room.

          And I promised myself to talk to him really soon.

          Eventually, it was again him who made the first step.

          My mother let him in and he entered my room while I

          was taking a nap.

          He didn't wake me up - just sat beside me.

          Guess, there was nothing else of interest in my room

          to see.

          When I opened my eyes, I looked into his

          and he then gave me a cute little kiss.

          He caught me off guard and I did not know how to

          react.

          I also didn't want it to look like such a big act.

          I could barely catch him as he tried to leave,

          I even accidentally ripped a part of his sleeve.

          He then turned around to look at me once more.

          And I guess, he saw that he was the one I'd been

          longing for.

          We stared at each other for another awkward minute.

          Before I beckoned him beside me - to sit.

          He hesitated before following my word.

          I couldn't beliebe what I next heard:

          'Listen, I do know that this seems quite odd.

          And I do think that you'll hate my quite a lot.

          I see you like the girl you are

          and I've already noticed you from afar.

          I want you to know that I love you

          and I do hope that you do so, too.

          I know, I can't force you into anything you hate

          and I do know that it's maybe already too late.'

          I kissed him and told him: 'I love you, too.'

          and he said he's sorry for what I'd been through.

          It didn't matter - our love was the only thing I could

          see.

          My love for him. And his love for a girl like me.